Lions sink to new low; blackmail free agents
After the Lions acquired top free agents Reggie Bush, Glover Quin, and Jason Jones many insiders speculated the team had relied on blackmail to lure players into signing.
Earlier this afternoon, GM Martin Mayhew confirmed the rumors at a press conference.
“Previously, we’ve tried any number of black magic ceremonies and they just weren’t effective. So, we dug up some dirt and presto—we’ve got some new talent we can squander,” he explained, occasionally wagging a sealed envelope at a noticeably unnerved Bush.
“The reality is most guys, even when you give them millions of dollars, don’t want to play for a shitty team…so you have to try some new things,” interjected head coach Jim Schwartz.
Sources within the organization indicate that each contract contains a ‘no-suicide clause’ which will see the players suffer through many soul-crushing seasons characterized by narrow misses and total blow-outs.
“It’ll be similar to the experience of many Lions fans. It’s sad. Crushed dreams everywhere,” said analyst Mel Kiper.
Jones, who was seen crying and apologizing to family members minutes after the signing, previously played for Schwartz as a Tennessee Titan.
“There is no God!” he exclaimed, before begging a passerby to break his ankle.