Feds: Kilpatrick Case ‘Just A Dream’
Federal prosecutors in the Kwame Kilpatrick corruption trial are prepared to enter into evidence proof that the years long probe of Kilpatrick, subsequent trial and—consequently—all of our known reality is just a dream.
“It started off when we realized that no God would ever put into motion such a torrid set of circumstances,” explained Assistant U.S. Attorney Michael Bullotta, “Then we thought maybe this is just a computer simulation—but what kind of sick bastard would even program something like this? It must be a dream.”
Prosecutors believe the dream is taking place in the mind of Ned Stangleford, an individual with a deeply disturbed subconscious that can little be controlled.
“We’re hoping that presenting the subconscious with tomorrow’s testimony will be enough to jar Ned awake,” said U.S. Attorney Mark Chutkow at a press conference following Monday’s testimony.
However, Chuktow cautioned that if the previous 58-days of testimony weren’t enough to arouse Stangleford there may be little hope.
“Maybe he’s in a coma. I don’t know. I just want this farce to end,” Chutkow added, bursting into tears.
“Personally, I’d like to thank Ned,” said a bow-tie wearing Kwame Kilpatrick, “Ned has dreamt what I perceive to be decades of making money and lots of lots of banging. Dude gave me a barber chair! Oh, and a family.”
U.S. District Judge Nancy Edmunds indicated that if Ned does not wake up she will allow the trial to continue, stating that the laws of Ned’s dream—which apparently cover tax evasion and extortion—still comprise our reality.